Nearly two years ago I lost a daughter. Since then I've been struggling along, just trying to get through for long enough to come out of the other side and for things to start feeling better.
Recently I've come to realise this won't work. The other side is no closer and I can't reach it without help.
When you feel down for long enough, the happy chemicals and the sad chemicals produced in your brain to regulate your mood can become unbalanced. At some stage, without intervention, you might find you have a new physiological problem to go with your existing emotional and psychological issues.
This week I've asked for help. I've spoken to my family, my doctor and my work. I'd like to say it's been a great relief, but it hasn't really. Actually, admitting the problem for what it is - and letting go of the idea that I could just "power on through" - has left me feeling overwhelmed, even defeated. This afternoon I experienced what was probably my first ever anxiety attack*.
However, there are now measures available to me; measures I will be taking and which I can hope will help. That wasn't the case two weeks ago.
I am sure I will hesitate before publishing this post. I am not concerned with the stigma traditionally associated with depression but I have been very guarded about my feelings for a long time. Maybe just getting these words written down will do me for now.
I hope I do push the button though, and here's why: I don't think I would have recognised my problem for what it is, or the need to get help, if it weren't for others talking and writing openly about their own battles with depression.
I believe the hope that it would help someone like me was a big part of why most of these people chose to share their experiences. I want to thank them. And, whilst I might not be able to pay them back, I thought maybe I could follow their example and pay it forward.
* I felt sick and so dizzy I thought I might keel over. This could have been the price to pay for sampling a McDonald's 'Quarter Pounder Deluxe' at lunch, or even just tiredness, but I'm pretty sure it was an anxiety attack.
